helping someone after a miscarriage

Don'ts

Don't ignore her because you feel helpless or uncomfortable with grief - she will wonder if what happened to her means nothing to you.

Don't think that miscarriage is easier to cope with than a stillbirth or neonatal death. The truth is that her baby has just died, and it doesn't really matter how pregnant she was.

Don't be anxious or embarrassed about making her cry. It is not what you said or did that upset her, but losing the baby. By allowing her to cry, you are helping her work through the process of grief.

Don't confuse support with "cheering her up". Grief is an enormously powerful emotion and needs releasing, not repressing.

Don't put on a bright cheery front yourself.

Don't be nervous and keep talking. There is nothing wrong with silence. You can share silence with a good friend.

Don't be tempted to be judgmental in any way about her feelings or reactions. People in grief often behave out of character or inappropriately and need your unconditional support. Things will eventually return to normal and she will feel grateful that you stood by her.

Don't have expectations about how long it should take her to recover. Losing a baby is one of life's most difficult experiences and the depth of her grief is shocking even to her.

Don't assume there will be another pregnancy.

Don't try to do all the housework. Although well intentioned, she needs to feel capable and useful.

Don't minimise her loss by offering platitudes such as "you're young enough to try again", or "it was nature's way of getting rid of an imperfect baby". It is appropriate to deal with this as you would any other death.

Don't say that "she's so lucky to have the other kids" - her pain is for this baby and other children don't take that away.

Don't forget her children have lost a sibling, and it is natural for them to react in some way.

Don't feel guilty if you're pregnant. Just forgive her if she's cold and withdrawn, it's her way of coping.

Don't feel you have to keep your children away. She must go through the process of accepting others' children.

Don't ask how she is feeling if you only do so as a social obligation as it obliges you to listen carefully to the complete answer.