Continuing with the grief list and my personal story with miscarriage, I will be addressing this issue today:

to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy and anger of that

My miscarriage was my first experience with troubled pregnancies. In my family history there were many stories about pregnancy and baby loss, but none in my generation. I am the oldest of six kids and out of the first three, I was the last to try to have kids. My brother and sister began their families in their teens and were successful in bringing my four nephews and my one niece into the world. They were all older now, not babies at all, and we were all ready for a new baby in the family.

I had waited to start a family with children. As I had said before, there were times that I wondered if I even wanted kids. During and after the miscarriage, I felt like such a fool. Why had I waited? Why had I taken for granted that it would be as easy for me as it was for my siblings? I was jealous of their circumstances, jealous of their naivete at that time in their lives. I remember trying to ask them about certain symptoms that I was having, and they couldn't remember, their pregnancies being years before. They both also said that they were so young when they had their kids that they didn't really worry about much about the baby. I felt that I was too prepared, too educated and I had messed up the whole thing.

I remember crying to my friend's mom that "I'm so sick of everyone and their perfect pregnancies!" I hadn't ever felt so "Why me?" in my life.