I remind myself of the things living and breathing around me and that they are good. And I remind myself of something my mother told me, which she had recently learned from her rabbi. He told her that in Jewish tradition, the cultural tradition of my family, it is discouraged for a woman who has had miscarriages to think of her children's lives as being shortened by death. In fact, he added, a woman who has lost a child in pregnancy is considered to be extrememly wise. For inside of herself she has contained the very circle of life.

Wow. Instead of being weird, an outcast, or unnatural, the woman who miscarries is considered wise. This is a concept that... more

Continuing with the short story, "Other Women" by Kate Bernheimer, here is another quote that got my attention:

Of course , people are different, and we have different problems dealing with things like birth and death, love and loss. And certainly most fertile Americans don't grieve much for other people's children lost in utero. (Some other countries do have rituals for grieving; most famously, in Korea ther is a heaily visited shrine for unborn children.) Neither Anne nor Laura sent me flowers, or even a card, to commemorate my losses, and it's not the lack of flowers that troubles me, it's not so much what they didn't do but what we don't acknowledge, we deathless... more

I am reading a collaborative book called, The Friend Who Got Away edited by Jenny Offill & Elissa Schappell. Inside this book of true stories by women they share their experiences about changed and lost relationships with others. One story titled, "Other Women" by Kate Bernheimer discusses changing relationships in regards to miscarriages, problem pregnancies, and normal births.

I didn't have any way of relating to the story line regarding the evolving friendships between the three women, as my miscarriage experience strengthened my friendships,... more

How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield, and Peter McWilliams.

This book is the end all, be all of grief books for me. I have used it in many instances, of surviving heartbreak, including my miscarriages. The advice here is tried and true, very accessible, and gentle. After one broken relationship that was doomed to fail, I carried it with me in my purse, not able to get through a full day without rereading some of the advice on coping. Since I first bought my own copy, which is marked up and worn, I have bought it for friends who have had losses in pregnancy, death of a loved one, break ups, and divorces. The most precious part of this... more

The greatest cargoes of life come in over quiet seas. p.129

About the heaviness of grief, it is the natural, healthy reaction to loss. Mercifully, it isn't constant but comes in waves, probably because the finality of death is so shocking it can't be taken in all at once, but has to be absorbed little by little. p. 131

There is a natural lessening of grief over time, and eventually we give up the deep sorrow and move on. We are not built to carry the heartache indefinitely. p.131

The above quotes are from the book, Journey to Motherhood by Alison Freeland. The chapter that they are from is named, "Things That Help".

I'm... more

"I am the one still in your every breath." - Paul Valery, Le Jeune Parque"

This is the haunting quote that begins Shadowchild by P.F. Thomese. This book is haunting in itself. I am very calculated about where I spend our money. I hardly ever buy books. This is the next book on my list to own.

Again using the word haunting, the other word that I can think of that describes this book is lyrical. It is like a love poem of loss from a father to a daughter that has died in infancy. Although none of my losses actually resulted in a baby that I could hold and say goodbye to, this book conveyed the extreme confusion of losing a child. How the world goes on,... more

Shortly after we met, he said, "Women in general tolerate these procedures that we would never tolerate" - "we" meaning men. Women endure hysteroscopies, hysterosalpingograms, endometrial biopsies, intrauterine insemination, ovarian stimulation, and egg retrieval. "Ask men for a semen analysis, and it takes six months," he said. "It's an amazing thing." p. 179

This quote, of course, made me feel proud. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, it felt like I was the only one in the world who was willing to do anything to have a successful pregnancy. I also believe that this is probably one of the main frustrations of women who undergo the majority of fertility... more

"Miscarriage is so mysterious that it makes you feel completely out of control," she said. "I needed to feel like I was doing something to help myself." Stephenson referred Anderson to a psychiatrist who specializes in "frequent loss." The psychiatrist recommended that she start antidepressants. "I said this is the issue: I don't want to be on any more drugs," she replied. "I just wanted someone to tell me, It's OK to be sad." p. 102-103

I also went to counseling after my miscarriages as I have during many traumas during my adult life. One of the most helpful traits that my therapist has is first of all, a history with me. Secondly,... more

Miscarriage exposes one's fragility, but less visibly, it also brings out a toughness, a sort of courage mixed with frustration and a dollop of rage. I asked her why she wanted a child so badly. "Someone said I couldn't," she said. p. 101

I intimately know this feeling! I was never really into having biological children until my miscarriages. I had always thought that once I decided to have children that it would be appropriate for me to be infertile, since adoption was in my parenting plan all along. My tune sure changed with that first miscarriage. It was almost like a vendetta that I needed to follow through with. I was obsessed. It was the only... more

We were horrified by the information given to these women," said Jacobs. "They were being told such appalling things, like miscarriage was extremely rare. They all felt blighted by God. We were telling them something different from their ob-gyns, and we were right. We said, quite the contrary, miscarriage is very common. Go back and ask your mom. Ask your husband's mother. Ask your sisters. Ask the lady next door. At least one, if not all had had a miscarriage. p.42-43

I was fortunately raised by a very open and honest family. I grew up knowing about the sister that my mom and dad had before me that was stillborn. I had been told by my Nana, the... more