I know how difficult it can be keeping your marriage sane during the trials of infertility. I remember our communication hitting a stand still while I was only crying to convey my emotions, with Chris just being silent in disbelief, I'm sure, wondering if I would ever get better. There are a lot of memories that I don't recall from that time, but one thing that I do remember is that towards the end of my intensive mourning, I was thinking that in reaching out and grasping for a child, I was letting go of my marriage.

Thankfully, it never came down to a choice between the two. And, as you know, we are still together. But times were rocky here and there. It is really scary to think... more

I was just at my sister's house and she has a very nice memorial set up for my dad. The cross from his casket, his photo, a novena candle and a small urn with some of his ashes. It really got me thinking about prayer at this point in my life, and prayer at different points in my life as well.

I prayed a lot during those horrible days when we weren't sure if I was miscarrying or not with the first one. I don't think that I did anything else.

I... more

I have been pretty down lately, as you well know. I have been trying to keep my head up and focus on the positive. Something happened this week that hit me like a football tackle. What was it, you ask. Well, it was a football tackle.

My three nephews that are old enough play for one football team on the A, B, C teams. This weekend we were at the middle one's games when the oldest came over and said that his collar bone had been hurting since his game earlier. After a quick xray, he had broken his collar bone. The other side from the one that he broke when he was two. He is out of the games until play offs.

Then on Tuesday, I got a call from my brother Jarod, saying... more

In this very early morning, Ivy woke up and was talking to me, not really awake, but not asleep either at 3 a.m. As she was falling back to sleep she told me, "Mama, my piggies hurt." I went over and looked at her toes and didn't find anything wrong. I asked her if she wanted me to give them a magic kiss. She said, "No, prolly it needs a band aid to be all better." I went to the cupboard and got her a large band aid that I put on top of her foot. She touched it, sighed, and went to sleep.

When Chris woke up I told him this cute story and we laughed.... more

If you are like me and have put off watching the last episodes of the series "Sex and the City" for years, don't continue reading this post because I will blow the ending for you.

Chris and I lead a sparse life as far as cable goes. We have the most basic package available and for the most part, think that we have a great fit. Not having HBO though was difficult, as I had to get my SATC fixes when the seasons would come out on video, or later, on DVD. I love to imagine a life like Carrie's life, especially the fashions. This woman knows... more

I remember Chris crying after she was born. I remember him having me hold her all swaddled in her blankets. I also remember telling him to take her back because I was about to drop her I was so tired and drugged. I don't remember her crying. The detachment that I felt from pregnancy and delivery was huge. Like watching a movie on lifetime, not my real life. It was the drugs and the exhaustion, not the dramatic fantasy I had played out in my head for so long.

Now she is 3. People tell me that it goes so fast, yet it really hasn't yet. When I look at her and think about our experience together, she should be about 7 now. But she is 3 and everything I needed, although nothing... more

Three years ago yesterday, I was in the hospital, having my daughter after 26 hours of labor and a c-section. Just thinking back to that day makes me exhausted. Coming down to delivery felt like I was nearing the end of the longest infertility/pregnancy/labor marathon that anyone could have ever dreamed up in their sick minds.

While I was on the operating table, some of the anesthesia dripped into my lungs, making me not able to feel myself breathing. It was the oddest sensation. Before I said anything to the doctor, through my mind I was thinking that I was dying. I was thinking that this was it, there would be no more of me after this surgery. The panic that I expected at... more

I was sitting in church this Sunday listening to others share their joys and concerns. A woman stood up and wanted prayers for her granddaughter and grandson in law. Her granddaughter had just suffered a miscarriage last week and she was concerned for them.

While she was talking and sharing the news my mouth went dry. My stomach hardened. I remembered going to my first church service after my miscarriages and wanting to get up and share what had happened, but I couldn't. I just sat quietly with tears running down my face. It was hard being there, but even harder to not be there. All of the memories around that time are difficult to remember. During that period in my life, there... more

One of my close friends who is an artist, wrote essays on various things this past year. She self-published a small number of volumes to pass around and I got my hands on a copy, to my delight. As a surprise to me, she had written down her thoughts about Bec's adoption and put them in the book. Here is what she had to say:

Young friends and former students adopted an African baby. It is their story to tell and I will not trespass from the sidelines. Being at the airport to photograph and witness the arrival and welcome the baby was an incredible honor.

Not having had children of our own or having adopted, it is difficult to fathom the range of emotions and anxieties... more

Keeps Me Thinking Blogging for this site about fertility, infertility and adoption, always has my mind in a whirl. I haven't been in classes for a while, yet my blog has given me an opportunity to educate myself in different ways that I never would have explored on my own. I am already addicted to magazines, so this one source for articles was tapped in my spare time. As for the rest, I give thanks to google. Offering My Story/OpinionMy miscarriages and recovery were turning points in my life. They were some of the most traumatic and painful events that I had ever experienced. It took me a long time to be able to open up and share these events... more